My my, hey hey
Rock and roll is here to stay
It's better to burn out than to fade away

-- Neil Young, "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue)"

It was Kurt Cobain's birthday yesterday. He had a short but remarkable life and is still remembered today. Even if you don't know him, you've probably seen people wearing yellow Nirvana smiley t-shirts. He burned out instead of fading away.

I like misinterpreting Uncle Neil when it suits my agenda. I know Neil is very specifically talking about burning out instead of fading away in Rock N Roll and not in life, because life has family, life has relationships... there's way more to life than the pursuit of some "work" goal.

I'm going to be 30 in a few months, so are several people around me. I've used this fact to get into people's heads to evoke some reflection on several occasions. At the same time, I myself haven't given that serious a thought about it. So here it goes.

All my life, I've chased something, and when I got it, I wanted something more, something different. Ironically, I have also chased being content by practising stoicism, but clearly that hasn't worked yet. I've not known "how to relax" for the longest time, even if I have spent days doing nothing.

Recently, I was told this is all deeply capitalist thought that's just ingrained in me. There's probably some truth to it. Recently, at work offsite I heard a nice take on this from a colleague. Capitalism isn't inherently good or evil. Everyone is contaminated by it because that's just how the world works, but you don't need to be corrupted by it. Your ulterior motives for your actions mean something. Contamination is not corruption.

I've often joked that I don't know if I'll live past 50. Earlier, it came from not being healthy enough to live a long, fulfilling life; now it just feels like I'll have nothing to do, nothing to chase, nothing to feel excited about.

Not living beyond 50 is my belief for ~10 years, and maybe I have never thought about it deeply enough, but it has given me a needed push everywhere. In some sense, this is my "Memento Mori" or "remember that you'll die". For a while, I had a script show me exactly how many days I've left.

For instance, I had a crazy 2-3 year run in my career where I was working nearly to my limits. Constantly shipping and expanding my knowledge. I loved doing it, till I didn't. That work got me some fame and even an invitation to talk about managing burnout. Which is hilarious because I was already on the edge, and in just two months after giving gyan on managing burnouts, I took a 6-month break from work.

That burnout was partly related to health but largely related to unexamined and unaligned expectations from myself. I didn't like what I was doing, and no amount of a short breaks from work to relax was going to fix that. I didn't even know what I wanted.

Nearing 30, I feel I know what I want from life; however hazy that vision is, it gets clearer month by month... but, is it really there? Some beliefs weaken over time, and some strengthen over time. But one thing is for sure, unexamined ones surely do not strengthen.