To my future self,

I saw this quote in the comment section of a music video from someone who was convinced they hated this band, but fell in love with it after actually giving it a serious shot.

"Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything."

This is how I write about personal stuff, btw. I catch motivation in some quote, or some words get stuck in my head, like the title of this post that I kept thinking about while showering today. If I don't write it in the moment, it's just gone forever in the ether.

I have had my fair share of highs and lows, thankfully, most lows seem to be behind me in the moment and as of now, I have a pretty stable life. I wrote about this before in this post, but that post leaves out so much! Things that I didn't want to be posted publicly. People have layers and layers of “truths” to them, and you’ll never truly get someone.

If there's any kind of magic in this world... it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something. I know it's almost impossible to succeed... but who cares, really? The answer must be in the attempt.

It's hard to cover my entire life of "character development" in one post, so I'd rather pick a subset. Sometime after I got my first stable job and achieved financial stability c. 2018, I thought I should get out there and start dating, something I had always avoided because of my crippling social anxiety, insecurities from childhood and family issues.

I had to put myself "out there". I started working quite early, so my entire social circle was people 5+ year older than me. I was disconnected from everyone in school, a few college friends I had all left the country for better opportunities or rather... I never bothered to stay connected.

Online dating apps felt like the only real option... and boy o' boy, it's a bloodbath out there. Anyway, I ended up matching with this one person. I asked her out on a date, and she said yes. I distinctly remember that I wore formals that kinda looked like casuals because that's all I had back then.

It was awkward as fuck, but one drink later that awkwardness eased up and damn I felt like I met someone who understood me, who had the same taste in music as I did, who saw the world in the way I did... and it still didn't work out because she wasn't ready for a relationship and had to leave the city in a few months.

My overthinking ass overanalysed this whole thing so much and ended up depressed for weeks. There were many other factors, cough family cough too, but ultimately I realized I can't handle this and need to seek some professional help. I went to a shrink, she prescribed me some Zoloft and called it a day. Anyway, a few close friends were of more help than the shrink.

The mere act of accepting that I’m at an all-time low and need to fix my life did wonders for me. I enrolled myself in a distance learning class, which I failed to complete. Wasted a few more months before trying an online degree that I eventually completed. I found myself in a community of learners who shared the same passions. I got a job at an awesome tech company, and my life turned around very rapidly after that.

I didn't date people for a long time after that and just focused on fixing my career and making that $$$. I don't know how people manage to grow in every aspect of their lives simultaneously. I can only focus on a select few things at a time. Anyway, I had the same highs and lows in my career but consistently managed an upward career. Work for me still is a medium to do something bigger than sustenance.

Anyway, one fine day I thought, "Oh, the life is bit too stable innit?" and started dating again. In hindsight, that has to be related to the fact that my younger sister got engaged xD. This time has to be different. I was way more mature mentally and emotionally. I looked at dating both as something to experience and something to learn from. I read "How not to die alone" and it was kinda eye-opening. (Yes, I read and overanalyse practically everything in life 🤷).

Every single date I went to was at least fun, and I felt like I grew a little. On one date, I was asked if I've ever lived alone. If not, how can I handle emotional independence and someone else living in my personal space? Not gonna go into details, we were highly incompatible, but she kinda had a point? I've lived with my family the entire life, and even though I think I can be independent, there's saying it, and then there's actually doing it.

A few weeks later, a couple of my friends decided to move to a place near the workplace. I took it as an opportunity to move in with them. That has been a fun and eye-opening experience so far - utensils don't wash themselves, bedsheets don't replace themselves, the floor doesn't clean itself, cooking "edible enough" food is kinda hard, and there's hardly any time left for yourself.

Anyway, the title of this post comes from a match I had last month, where she had this in a prompt:

"You'd never know but... I see this as character development".

Damn, me too, without even realising it! She asked me out immediately, and we made plans... then ghosted me on the day lmao. Did she mean "I see this as character development... FOR YOU"? xD Anyway, the same week I got feedback at work that I shouldn't ghost people who've emailed me about something, we at least owe a response to people who write to us. 💀

"Learned truths" stay with you for life. I'm an "unteachable" person, and I can hardly learn just from the wisdom of others. My friend keeps teasing me, "Abhi to bahot learned truths ayenge life main" after seeing my dating life. Yesterday, he was pulling my leg by asking, "What are you doing this weekend? Character development?".

Fuck yes.